45

It was her 45^th birthday as she wandered from room to room trying to decide what should be packed and what shouldn’t. It hit her hard as she climbed the stairs and she dropped as the tears started to roll down her cheeks. The realization that she was packing up 45 years of her life into these boxes and that most of those things were from the past thirteen years she had spent with a man she had been madly in love with; a man she still loved.

The droplets turned to sobs as she felt the pain of a marriage ending, the pain of rejection. She sat there clinging to the stairs and wondered how someone who was supposed to be her life line, her provider, her protector, her love… could so easily throw it all away. The lease was up on their home; it was time to move and he had chosen to move on without her. Living together had become nothing more than civilities. The sex had stopped long ago and every time she initiated any intimacy it was accepted, but, never returned. 

So she cried and wonders what she did wrong, how she made him un-love her all the while knowing it has nothing to do with her in the end. In reality the problem is HIS. She did what she could, she stood by his side through many things a marriage should never endure, yet, she continued to stay and hold onto the tiny smolder of love they once exchanged. For better or worse, in sickness and health, that’s what the wedding vows said, right? Wrong. To honor, love and cherish; all words that were spoken from her lips with fervor on the day they wed were obviously now just lip service from the Groom. 

Illness or boredom; who knows what changed his heart to stone against her. For the past two and a half years she had been trying to stay afloat a sinking ship when she should have jumped into a lifeboat and sailed away when he first broke her trust. But, she didn’t. Because she believed in that silly little thing called LOVE, yes this stupid girl believed. Even as a woman, she was still just a stupid girl who thought love could conquer all because she believed him when he told her it will always be you. She believed his lies the way children believe that clapping will make Tinkerbell fly again. 

And now on her 45^th birthday she wipes her eyes, pulls herself up and starts packing again. A new start and it would be ALONE. 

She moved out on her birthday and now in an apartment that is hers alone she cries herself to sleep at night and she wakes with tears in the morn. She cries for her loss, she cries because of her own stupidity, she cries because she failed. She cries and wonders what the rest of her birthdays will be like? Will every year forward no longer be a celebration of her LIFE or a mourning of her damaged and lost marriage? She doesn’t know and for now she is numb. 

For now she needs to find herself again because the woman who was married is no longer. She’s stuck in limbo for now….. alone with her thoughts and her tears.